NZ Skeptics Articles

Ring around Uranus: My Colonic, part 1

Mark Honeychurch - 23 December 2024

Okay, the title’s a little crass, but it was suggested to me as something that would help to tie my article in with the Alien/Space theme of this week’s newsletter, and I’ve not managed to think of anything smarter since.

As background, years ago I was asked by the media about Scientologist Nigel Antony Gray’s claims that he could predict earthquakes. Of course, I told them that this seemed unlikely, and would need multiple accurate predictions, without lots of other failed predictions (I’m looking at you, Ken Ring) before we believe what he says. I was also removed from Nigel’s expanding Facebook group, soon after it changed its name and mission from being about weather modification to about “spiritual awareness” - a blatant bait and switch to Scientology nonsense. When I tried to re-join the group, Nigel posted publicly that in order to be let back in, I would have to buy a Dianetics DVD for every member of the NZ Skeptics Facebook group (around 2,000 people), and that someone called Noel, who was also trying to get into his group, would be accepted if he would first “pay for a gift Colonic session for Mark Honeychurch”, which I took as a clever way of saying that I was “full of shit”.

At the time Noel didn’t buy me a colonic (they’re not cheap!), but I did talk to Graeme Hill on the radio about this funny interaction, and took the opportunity to give the public some background info on colonics:

For those who don’t know, a colonic irrigation (also known as colon therapy, colonic cleansing or colon hydrotherapy), there are some good descriptions on YouTube:

The idea behind why colonics are necessary is that toxins, food and other unwanted stuff gets stuck in the bowel and needs to be cleaned out. This assertion is simply not true, as the bowel is perfectly able to clear itself out and things don’t get “stuck”.

There is frequent mention of toxins in alternative medicine. There’s a lot of scaremongering that is used to sell products - telling people that they have toxins inside of them that are making them ill, and that X product or service is a good way to flush those toxins out.

In the case of colon therapy, not only is there no evidence that it is a useful therapy, there is also good evidence of harm:

http://whatstheharm.net/coloncleansing.html

The harm includes kidney failure, infections, gangrene and even death. I thought that I’d do a quick google search of things people put in their rectums as an alternative therapy. Coffee is one that was mentioned in the colonic description - you can also pay for a straight coffee enema:

“Coffee enema has no proven benefit and carries considerable risk of provoking unwanted complications”

Herbal enemas are also not recommended, and can lead to issues:

This case report, written by Indian doctors, doesn’t mince its words!

“A 57-year-old male patient presented with persistent massive bleeding per rectum for one month that developed immediately after administration of herbal enema by a religious quack”

There are also ozone enemas, vinegar enemas, oil enemas and alcohol enemas:

http://www.thealternativedaily.com/are-strange-enemas-good-or-dangerous/

I would advise you not to put anything unusual in your rectum for medical purposes until you’ve asked the opinion of a medical professional, such as your GP.

I didn’t think too much about this challenge again until maybe 3 years ago, when a “friend”, Aaron, purchased a gift certificate for me for Christmas - one Colonic Irrigation, at a clinic in rural Palmerston North. Over the next 12 months I tried to make it from Wellington for my session, but things didn’t work out. The closest I came was when I’d booked a session and arranged leave (the clinic was only open on weekdays), and then just days before my appointment I received an email saying the machine had broken down, and they were awaiting a replacement part from the US.

After my voucher had well and truly expired, I committed to paying for a colonic out of my own pocket. There were no clinics close to central Wellington, which made things difficult, but then I had the idea to have my colonic irrigation in Auckland just before our conference this year. However in October Bronwyn messaged me to let me know that a brand new clinic had just opened in central Wellington - Pure Colonics. This seemed perfect, as if there were any complications I would only be half an hour’s drive from home.

I checked the clinic’s website, and the About page had some information about the practitioner, but not enough to be useful - no last name, and no details of her qualifications beyond saying she was “certified”:

Jess

Colon Hydrotherapist

I am deeply dedicated to natural and holistic health and detoxification, with extensive knowledge and experience in these areas and as a trained and certified Colon Hydrotherapist, I provide guidance and support to promote wellness through effective colon cleansing. My own health journey guided me to explore other alternative methods and natural healing, allowing me to understand others’ struggles and empathize with them on a deeper level. My genuine passion for helping others motivates me to deliver compassionate and personalized care to each client.

However, I wasn’t going to let this stop me. She’s “deeply dedicated” and has “passion” - that’s good enough for me. So, I booked my session:

Once my session was booked I was asked to fill out a form, so I clicked the link and got to work. Weirdly, somewhere in the first few form questions I was asked a marketing question, about where I’d heard about the clinic - this seemed a little incongruous in the middle of questions about my health and wellbeing:

There were also some tell-tale alternative medicine questions, like the one above about amalgam fillings. At the end of the form I tried to be honest, but figured that under the water intake question it was okay for me to include Diet Coke in the calculation.

At the bottom of the page was a lengthy disclaimer:

As a Colon Hydrotherapist, I encourage you to be open to new information on the effectiveness of Colon Hydrotherapy and the fundamental role of diet, exercise, supplementation, stress management and emotional and mental work. I encourage you to make your own health care decisions based upon your research and in partnership with your primary health care providers.

Disclaimer: Colon Hydrotherapy is not intended to replace the relationship with your primary health care providers and my consultation as a Colon Hydrotherapist is not intended as medical advice. It is intended as a sharing of knowledge and information from my education, research, training and experience.

The information and service provided is not used to prescribe, recommend, diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. It is not a substitute for medical care.

To help ensure a smooth flow between appointments, please arrive right at your scheduled time. Arriving early can sometimes overlap with another client’s session, and I may not be ready to greet you. Thank you for your understanding.

This is interesting to read - I’m guessing Jess doesn’t realise that a disclaimer saying you’re not offering a treatment doesn’t legally mean much when your website is full of medical claims about how the therapy can treat you:

Ignoring the useless disclaimer, I clicked the submit button, only to be told that I couldn’t submit the form until I’d chosen at least one symptom:

This was an obvious oversight - I don’t suffer from any of these! But, given that I had to tick something to be able to complete the form, I chose Headaches/Migraines. Once I’d filled in the form, I was told about “Prep and after care”:

Please ensure you are well hydrated with water before your treatment. Consume some fruit and healthy foods in the 24-48 hours leading up to your appointment. If possible, avoid eating for a couple of hours before your session. Wear comfortable clothing and approach your session with an open mind and a positive attitude.

Depending on how your body responds, you might experience increased energy, mental clarity, headaches, or fatigue. These reactions are normal as your body adjusts after a significant detox.

Be sure to drink plenty of water and opt for fruits, steamed vegetables, soft soups, and broths. Take it easy and listen to your body - allow time for rest if needed. Avoid intense workouts, but light walks are fine. It’s also important to refrain from consuming alcohol and coffee for the next 24-48 hours.

It’s normal to have irregular bowel movements for a few days after a colonic. However, if you have any concerns, please contact us.

So, hydration and healthy foods - I can do that. The day before my appointment, on Monday, I started off the day by eating some green food glitter and drinking green food dye - which I had to chase up with pink and white sprinkles, because it turns out that food glitter tastes pretty horrible, and sugary sprinkles were both much more palatable and the quickest thing I could find while I was at the baking ingredients cupboard in my kitchen.

Why the hell did I do this? I figured that on the off-chance this particular machine has a window where I can see what’s coming out of me, I wanted to be able to see evidence that it’s working. It turns out that if you drink food dye, your tongue, teeth and lips are going to be brightly coloured for the next few hours!

When I arrived at work, I had a coffee - double shot. That’s healthy, right? Makes me wonder if I should buy a $17 Temu home enema kit next and try out a coffee enema. And yes, unlike some other people (as documented in this paper), I’d ensure the coffee’s cold before starting:

Safety of self-administered coffee enema

Among the 9 case reports, 3 were from the United States, 5 were from Korea, and 1 was from Japan…

Seven relatively recent ones reported similar adverse events induced by self-administered coffee enema. Although the ages of the patients in these case reports varied, they were mostly women and had used coffee enema to relieve constipation or bowel cleansing. The intervention of coffee enema was described in 4 case reports, which were mostly comparable to the standard method of Gerson, except Lee et al reported higher temperature and longer retaining time. After self-administering coffee enema, the patients of the 7 case reports experienced pain in lower abdomen or occasionally, in the anal region with bloody stool. As a consequence of self-administering coffee enema, colitis was diagnosed in 4 case reports and in the other 3, rectal burn or perforation was observed through medical imaging.

The mechanism by which coffee enema induced the burn suggested in 5 case reports among the 7 relatively recent case reports. Two suggested that the high temperature of the coffee fluid might be the cause, and it was proposed that the coffee should be cooled off before use. Other 3 more explored potential mechanisms for the coffee enema-induced adverse events based on those mechanisms associated with the adverse effects of enema therapy in general. These include the high temperature and/or high pressure of the enema fluid, the chemical residues (e.g., cleanser or disinfectant) inside the catheter, or the thermal injury caused by the catheter. While none of those were found as plausible causes of colitis, the coffee fluid itself was newly proposed to be the most plausible cause…

Lunch in the office was a Vietnamese noodle tofu salad - very healthy. Well, it probably would have been if it wasn’t for the liberal topping of sriracha sauce:

Dinner was less healthy - jacket potatoes with beans and cheese. And then I finished the night with a teaspoon of yellow food dye. I figured I’d vary the colours, to help gauge how long things take to go through me.

In the second, and much more graphic, part of this article, I will talk about how my colonic day went - from a shot of blue food dye first thing in the morning, via inserting a blue tube inside myself, to when I headed to the pub with Bronwyn and Tim for a well-deserved drink immediately after my ordeal.