Songs Skeptical

A selection of the song competition entries presented at the Skeptics Conference.

Amazing James

Tune: "Amazing Grace"

Hugh Young (idea by Eileen Bone)

Amazing James, at last he came

to inspire a wretch like me;

I once was cool, but now I flame

thanks to (Amazing) James Randi!

T'was James who bent a tablespoon,

melting the heart of Kim Hill.

He could change a watch from nine to noon

and teach us all his skill.

He tuned us in, to a healer odd

who knew more than he should know,

and the healer's wide, "the Voice of God"

talking to him by radio.

He showed us how the psychics work

quackery in the Philippines;

sticking in his fingers, out he'd jerk

chicken's guts and blood in streams.

Amazing James is in no way slack

to advance the skeptical art,

yet admires the Morning Glory's knack

of opening at sparrow fart.

Amazing James, at last he came

to inspire a wretch like me

I once was cool, but now I flame

thanks to (Amazing) James Randi!

As anyone who attended one of James Randi's lectures will attest, this is a true and accurate record.

An Alternative Hymnal

Tune: "Abide with Me"

Martin & Janette Wallace

Hymn for Homeopaths

Dilute with me

fast comes the magic field --

the molecules dis-

sperse and we are heal'd.

Doubt and disdain

in Skeptics round I see

O, you who still believe

Dilute with me.

Abiding with Acupuncturists

Press deep my flesh

with needlepoint so fine

Rotate the ends

and ease this pain of mine!

Oh pierce my toe

To ease distress and woe.

This hymn for you we sang

with yin and yang!

Chiropractors Chorus

Manipulate

And twist my tortured spine

The nerves are pinch'd

and twisted like the vine!

But please take care

my spinal chord to guard

and don't forget to use

my credit card.

Aye, Aye, Iridologist Mine

Look deep into

my eyes and iris see!

Give me your thoughts

on what is ailing me!

There you might see

a fault or two or three

Oh, you that thinkest not

Eye ball with me!

Verses of this were lovingly sung at the conference by the Skeptical Trio of Tony Vignaux, Warwick Don and Bill Morris, abetted by Margaret Mahy, Phil Spencer, Vicki Hyde, Cynthia Shakespeare and sundry others.

Show Me

(with apologies to My Fair Lady)

Hugh Young

He: Minds have a power beyond comparing

When they are sharing knowledge from beyond!

Space and time easily unravel

When astral travel takes you to a -

She: - Gone, gone, where is your brain gone?

All your words are a pain, must I hear them again?

They're all cloned from Shirley Maclaine!

Don't talk of minds roving through time,

Tune in to mine, show me!

Don't talk of worlds made in six days,

To coin a phrase, show me!

Anyone who's ever bought a bargain at a stall

Knows talk is cheap, action is all.

When you get the gadget home, it doesn't chop the cheese;

That's when you know you've been fleeced!

Don't talk of a-lien abduc-

-tions run amuck, show me! Show me!

Don't talk of gods landing from space,

Talking in languages queer!

Show me here!

Don't talk of see-ing through brick walls,

Don't pull my curls, show me!

Don't talk of hea-ling at a touch,

Let out your clutch, show me!

Sure, the world is full of wonders more than we can dream;

All things must be more than they seem!

But if we believe whatever anyone may say,

Our grasp on truth slips away!

Don't talk of brea-king nature's laws

Dig in your clause, show me! Show me!

Don't tell me I have to have faith

In things that won't take a bow!

Show me now!