A Soap Opera

Fil Spencer - 1 May 1992

An enterprising skeptic has found the answer to our energy and transportation problems, if only the Illuminati will let him speak…

I’ve got to tell someone! It’s driving me insane! I’m sitting on an awesome discovery that will solve the world’s energy problems, reverse the Greenhouse effect and slap a band-aid on the ozone hole.

Anyway, it’s become a matter of life and death now. I inadvisedly approached General Motors and OPEC with news of my invention and was immediately offered $10 million to keep it under my hat. I refused on moral grounds. (I don’t own a hat and no-one is going to force me to wear one!)

Now I find there is a contract out on my life, and an international hit-man, known as “The Weasel” is on my trail. If I can just get this information published, the heat will be off me, and The Weasel can crawl back under his stone.

So here’s my story. [ve had no scientific training so you’ll have to excuse my use of layman’s language for some of the technical aspects. I was a dental hygienist for several years, but was unjustly dismissed for suggesting, at the annual convention, that we should induce a severe case of toothache in all seven-year-olds to ensure that they would then floss furiously for the rest of their lives.

So, thrown onto the unemployed stockpile at 28, I languished for some time before obtaining a job as a tea-boy at Westbank Auto-Wreckers Inc. It was there that I discovered my affinity for engines, and I spent many happy hours covered in more oil than a Kuwaiti cormorant. In this humble setting I developed the “Acme Bubble Compression/Destruction Engine” (ABCDE) and now I’m about to share its secrets with you all.

The beauty of the ABCDE is that any existing petrol or diesel engine can be quickly and cheaply modified to use the new concept. Sounds too good to be true? Well I’ll prove it to you.

Dash outside to your shiny Japanese artifact and, using the correct spanners (or a large tyre-lever if you’re not mechanically minded), remove the radiator, distributor, water-pump and all that emission control paraphernalia — you won’t be needing it anymore. Finished already? You must have used the tyre-lever!

Remove the spark-plugs and file a point on the central electrode of each plug. Then refit them. Finally, drain all that dangerous, expensive petrol from your fuel tank and use it to start a fire at your local Tax Department.

Now purchase a large bottle of dishwashing liquid, pour it into your tank, and simply top up with tap-water. You’re now ready for the starter’s flag. Hop into your ABCDE-powered machine and off you go.

You want to know how it works? Well it’s delightfully simple. As the starter-motor turns the engine over, the piston moves down the cylinder bore. But instead of sucking in a mixture of air and petrol, it draws in a glistening wet bubble. Then on the upward stroke, the shiny orb is thrust against the sharpened spark-plug, bursting the bubble and releasing its pent-up energy. The cycle is then self-perpetuating and you’ll have to stall the car up against a power pole to cut it off.

Now you can see why GM was trying to buy my silence — they will soon be bankrupt! Once again the Middle East will sink into anonymity, with donkeys replacing Cadillacs and battle tanks. Wall Street will soon echo with the thud of falling stockbrokers, and longhorn cattle will regain their rightful place in Texas.

There are many ecological benefits in using this new propellant. Goodbye smog! No acid rain or global warming, just frothy snow. And if you’re involved in a messy wheel change on the way to a dinner party, there’s plenty of soapy water on hand to remove the grease from your tuxedo.

On the down side, imagine the scope it will give to advertising agencies:

“I always soak my Harold’s socks and undies in the tank of his Sudsmobile for a couple of hours. It gets them sooperwhite and gives the car up to 25% more acceleration!.

“Yes, folks, use FLAZ, the only detergent with the biomerlogical mileage ingredient!”

So, what is to stop you modifying your car today, saving yourself thousands of dollars, without even a thought for this struggling inventor? Here’s the rub — the performance of an ABCDE, when using common or garden bubble-mix, is, to say the least, unexciting. In fact, you’ll probably find yourself taken over by geriatric joggers. But with my secret additive, “Bubblionic Nuclear Wall-Tension Enhancer”, the available horse power is increased more than four-fold (six months’ supply only $99.99).

Why stop there? My latest development, the “Quantum Intensity Booster”, enables sea-water to be used, and, as we all know, there are thousands of tons of gold held in suspension in the oceans of the world. Thanks to the catalystic dispersion factor in the QIB fluid, this gold is deposited on the working surfaces of your engine, preventing any wear or tear.

It also gradually coats the exhaust system so that, by the time you retire, your old steel muffler will have rusted away, leaving a solid gold replacement that can be sold to fully fund your retirement dreams (All this for only $999.99), Only one application is needed as the product has been blessed by a triad of homeopaths and actually becomes stronger the more your dilute it with water!

So don’t delay folks, take up this offer of a lifetime and help to save the world! Send cash to:

Realia Miracle Products, c/o P Spencer, Westbank, MOTUEKA

Fil Spencer is a Skeptic from Motueka — need we say more?